Haunting childhood illusions.For me not a single day goes by without thinking about them.As much as I enjoy my independence and the responsibilities that comes along with the adulthood,I miss the child in me.The more and more I am exposed to this unfair life,I strongly yearn for my lost innocence.
The most daunting realization is about the “mortality” factor that’s hidden in everything ranging from relationships to our human bodies ,its hard and yet I strive to accept and make peace with it.But then its heart wrenching to erase the “fairy land” I had drawn within, where no one had a reason to cry.
For a kid, love is all about – a warm smile,a gentle hug (also may be along with a “Cadbury’s Dairy Milk” bar).Believed that there is no barrier in giving/receiving love. Then the “knowledge” about how complicated the human minds can get with respect to religion,caste,social status and geographical boundaries – made me aware that “love” is not as simple as it sounds.I have also turned to be a careful person and gauge people in all possible scales as taught.But,there are times when I simply wanted to trust people in spite of all my creeping doubts,I think about about my gone ignorance.
when I was eight,the day, when I came to know about my playmate’s mother’s death at our native town ,was shattered,cared and cried for the uncertainty that lingered in my friend’s future.Over years as my horizon increased,I developed indifference and also lost track of my friend.when the news channels show children/women weeping or when I read about bombings and killings,I shamelessly change the channel or skip the news.When did I drop my concern over others turbulent lives?May be when I was told that, I am too “dramatic” and have to “move on”.
Those days when I accompanied my grandma to the nearest temple at least 2 times a day ,she fed me with all beliefs of vaishnavism.I did believe that “God”-a superman is up there who is watching us all down here and I did believe that he would come down to kill the demons.
Also assumed that honest,sincere,hardworking and loving people will never be tested.The superman is yet to show up.Now,I re-hear those superman stories when mom tells my niece,but I am not stopping my mom!.I am convinced with the “rational” me ,but I do miss the “spiritual blindness” in me which fantasized the superman and never had any questions about his powers.
With all the resilience I have developed I do search for the last bit of naivety left in me to dance in my dreams as a child.Nowhere to be found,because I am a “grown-up” as the world expects…
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